The Trouble With Only Changing For “The One”

Here you are: career poppin, shiny credit, body snatched, vibe deep, seriously-  you have it all so why is your man hanging out just outside of the “act right” circle?  Well, there seems to be a man rule that loosely states:

“Thou shall not change his actions for a woman who is not his wife.” (or some BS like that)

Mr. Steve Harvey heavily preaches this sermon and it’s encouraging more and more irresponsible men to pop up on the dating scene. It suggests that no matter how good a woman is, if a man doesn’t see her as his potential wife, He. Aint. Changing.  Here are the issues I see with this here “man sermon”.

1.  I don’t fully disagree with Steve’s suggestion (yes, I think it’s more of a suggestion than the rule) but there are other factors to consider like the maturity of the man and timing. Timing is a motherfxcker and usually at the forefront of why relationships don’t click when all the other components are aligned.  Time; not the women’s lack of anything, but time.

2.   A woman doesn’t have to be “the one” for a man to have some integrity.  So what he doesn’t see the woman he’s currently dating as his potential wife, if she shows him something that he can work on, take it at face value and work on it.   I’m sure we all had positions that weren’t our dream jobs but we certainly learned a few things and expanded our resume from the lesser positions so that when the dream job came, we’d be better prepared.  I’d like to think that relationships would be viewed similarly.  People don’t need to hold official titles in your life to be influential.

3.  As a woman, if I’m dating a man who didn’t see any reason to change until he met me, that’s high cause for concern.  I’m not thinking I want to marry a man who didn’t see value in other women enough to present to me not only a ring but a fully emotionally prepared man with a proposal.  My faith in sisterhood is too high to even begin to think that he just so happened to date five bad women before I ask him what the hell HIS issue is.  Given this entire theory, I feel like I’m about to deal with a man that hasn’t worked on a single part of relationship wellness over the last 10-15 years of his dating life so our newlywed year is going to be challenging like a motherfxcker (in ways that it doesn’t have to be).  Now he has to be open, honest, communicate, loving, etc, etc…all the things he claimed to not have to do with his last five girlfriends simply because they weren’t “the one”.  Call me crazy, but I don’t want to take that on.  I’d be much more satisfied with a spouse that can honestly say that he dated great women before me that taught him ways to be a better man and now he’s prepared to be an amazing husband.

I hardly think that women should be flattered by a man saying he’s changing for her.  Men should change because they want to be good men regardless of their relationship status.  I’d gamble to say the relationship that takes on this type of mindset is in for a lot of turmoil as they undergo a couple transformation.  Blessings be unto them, for real!

I don’t think men should be parading around confessing this behavior because it speaks soooo highly of their character.  If a man can date women and think he gets a free pass to be an ass until he decides to marry…welp, blessings be unto him, for real!


Teneice is a relationship blogger, lifestyle consultant and designer of a luxury streetwear line, Plain Tee Blue Jean.  Like her at Teneice TV on Facebook and follow her @teneicetv on Instagram.  All of her brands are housed at